Yes, this was my lunch yesterday. I’m not proud of it nor do I find it funny.
It’s just that I was very sad yesterday and in urgent need of my old friend food. By the way, that’s all I ate, haha! A few months ago that thing would not be in the freezer anymore, but completely empty and in the trashcan.
On Saturday I wanted to go out, to a club, for the first time in…well…I don’t even know! I was really looking forward to it. Me, my friend, her boyfriend and two of his friends. Actually I thought I looked quite cute, I was wearing a supercute dress from Torrid that I only wore once until now, and I was so happy it fit me perfectly (happy enough to take a little Selfie :-P)
We started in the Irish Pub, which was ridiculously loud thank to the terrible coverband that played, but some people had the time of their lives so I just leaned back, sipped my Bitter Lemon and enjoyed some awesome dancemoves 🙂
A little later we went to the club just a few hundred meters away. In the line behind us was a guy with an extraordinarily annoying voice. I had heard him even though he had walked way behind us, but he made no secret of the words “big”, or “fat” when he talked, whatever the subject was. The giggling girlfriends seemed to be impressed.
Inside, we made our way through the masses, I tried not to be too aware of my environment. Where we were standing it was okay. But when I had to push through all those people to get to the bar or to the bathroom, that’s when it started. People looking at me in a very demeaning way, a girl started to laugh when I asked her kindly if I could pass through. A group of kids suddenly bursting in laughter after they passed me by and one of them said hi to me when I was standing outside.
Now, I don’t know if it was all personal and I don’t know if it was all because of my looks. But it made me feel all those things I used to feel before, all those things that resulted in how I look today. I was standing by the dancefloor and I felt how my eyes were welling up. Why couldn’t he play music now that makes me feel better? Come on, play something I like!!! I told myself to get it together, I can’t just stand in a club and cry. So I went outside and got some air.
I don’t know what I was expecting. I’ve been living in a bubble for the last 6 months. People around me have been so much more supportive and positive than I could have imagined. I am feeling awesome most of the time, seeing and feeling the changes and I’m proud of myself because I know I work for it. I left this safety bubble on Saturday night and was painfully reminded, that even though my environment has been so supportive, to some people I’m still just someone to make fun of. They find me funny. They make a joke, it makes their friends laugh. About me. They got home and forgot about it. I got home and was devastated.
On the way back home I got an one-line email reply from someone I know from a music board online. I replied and asked why he was still up, he replied and asked how my evening was. I told him I felt like crap and he stayed online a little longer. I was back home on the couch, crying my eyes out and he said “I have no experience with this, I don’t know what to say to you. But let me quote Batman for you: ‘Why do we fall? So we might learn how to pick ourselves up again*´'”. I think what you did there was more than anyone can expect from someone who I thought couldn’t stand me.
Of course while we were in the club my friends told me “If anyone is being weird to you, tell me!!”. And I’m quite sure none of them would like to mess with my friend, hahaha! I know my friends can make you feel pretty damn bad about being shitty to me, I’ve seen it!
Only…it’s not “revenge” I’m after. It’s acceptance. Or at least tolerance. And in the end I just kept on feeling more and more insecure and was expecting something bad from anyone around me. Did that guy just laugh because of me? Did that girl just look at me because I’m fat? Suddenly everything that happened was because of me, all eyes on me, everybody pointing their finger, calling me ugly, laughing. I tried really hard to block that feeling, I tried to stand and enjoy the music (COME ON, PLAY SOMETHING I LIKE!!!) but I was just my silly old weak self again. Not nice to meet you again, I thought you were gone, hoped you were gone forever.
I woke up with a horrible headache and spent most of my Sunday sleeping on the couch. When I woke up in the afternoon I felt hungry. I grabbed my Häagen Dazs and enjoyed (!) a few spoons full of chocolatey goodness.
And today? Today it’s time to dust myself off right? And how to start the day better than stepping on the scale and there’s another kilo off?
And tomorrow I will go to the gym again, working on myself again and on that person I want to be. Saturday was a valuable lesson for me. I don’t know what to do in the future, but I will sure try to be better prepared. It’s the only option other than staying home in my comfort zone.
While I’m at it, I want to thank everyone who is part of my journey. Every time you comment my blog, every time you click like on my weight loss or workout on Facebook, every compliment you make me, it’s all more than appreciated, every time you say something nice I feel supported and it lifts my spirits. I could not do so well if I didn’t know how many people are actually respecting my decision. Thank you friends, near and far, thank you people I don’t know so well but who support me anyway, thank you family, thank you my husband.